A Car Crash, A Dine-And-Dash, And A Diarrhea Disaster

Newsletter 2020-01-05

You know it's been a wild seven days when you survive a pig’s indoor diarrhea tsunami and it isn’t even the biggest disaster of the week. Let’s start with what went wrong this weekend and work backwards.

The car slammed into the building, punching a hole in the brick facade and knocking down drywall on the other side. The elderly driver was unharmed but confused. He asked what the thing was that came out of his steering wheel, making me think he lost touch with reality long before his head slammed into the air bag. The 911 dispatcher wanted to know if it looked like the building was going to fall down. This was not how I expected my Friday night to go. But first, let’s go back a little further.

I just wanted burgers. I had three pounds of ground beef marinated, spiced, and divided into patties ready for the grill. In the Midwest, it’s always grilling season, even in January. Propane fires melt the snow. I’ve managed to lose nearly forty pounds by cutting carbs and sugar from my diet and…