Applocalypse

Newsletter 2022-05-03

Apples, apples everywhere, but not a single one to eat. For years, apples have been the most elusive fruit in my life. Or not in my life, I guess. When my wife Lola and I moved into our house in 2008, the very first thing we did—after replacing the old toilets with the new, super-flush kind because, hey, priorities—was plant two apple trees in the backyard. Sure, I could have just bought apples at the store, but it’s much more convenient to dig two massive holes, plant some sad looking twigs, and then wait a decade or more to get them. That logic actually made sense to me at the time, which proves the male brain definitely isn’t mature at twenty-two (or at thirty-five, but that’s another story.). Planting your own fruit trees is like brewing your own beer, which is totally unnecessary now that America has more microbreweries than it has Starbucks. It’s an expensive, time consuming way to achieve an inferior result. But at least you can tell people you’re the kind of person who does th…