Change of Plans

Newsletter 2024-07-14

Our plans changed. Our plans stayed the same. 

In February, I put together an itinerary of trips and outings so extensive that it exhausted my wife just writing it down. That’s not unusual. I’m exhausting in general. This time, however, I had broader ambitions than simply antagonizing Lola. My goal was to see as many people as possible in as many places as possible to do the most possible things. That goal remains the same. We’re going to pull it off, but not in the way I originally planned. With the end of summer approaching, it’s time to admit that a few of the items on that original list are out of reach. That’s okay. I’m an expert at falling short. My bio says “comedy writer,” not “productive member of society.”

The first scheduling casualty was our trip to Chicago. I’d planned to use my friend Greg’s house in the suburbs as a base camp for taking in the sights and sounds of the Windy City. I know that nickname is due to a historical scandal, but to me and most other Midwesterners, it will always mean lake-effect snow. That can’t be great for tourism. I feel some degree of parental guilt that I almost never take my kids to Chicago. It’s one of America’s preeminent cities, yet I usually only go there to get around it. Inconveniently positioned at the intersection of four states, Chicago is in the way of everything. That’s way too important of a corner for the world’s most inconvenient traffic jam. After being stuck in that involuntary parade more times than I’d care to count, I lost the desire to go there to do touristy things. My kids don’t share my hatred. When Lola or I were cursing the city and every driver in the thousand cars ahead of us, the girls were happily watching YouTube on their phones. I shouldn’t punish them for my petty vendettas, at least not until they’re old enough to help me with them. Revenge works best as a family affair. Also, Chicago would be a cheap outing since we could stay at Greg’s house for free. I’d vacation in hell if the price was right.

The main problem with a trip to Chicago was I couldn’t decide what to do there. All of the city’s main attractions are things my kids hate. They don’t care for art, science, or history museums. Children’s museums are okay, but only if they’re essentially indoor playgrounds. My kids detest all attempts at education on the weekends. You’re not going to trick them into surprise school. They’re also not big on zoos or aquariums. When we went to Chicago last time, the highlights for them were the big arcade and eating ice cream at Greg’s house. It didn’t seem necessary to drive two hours for either of those experiences. The last time I checked, we had video games and ice cream at home. Regardless, I still wanted to get my brood to Chicago for a weekend. My frugal genes won’t let me leave a free room unused. I decided to take my kids to the Willis Tower. That’s something we couldn’t do in Indiana. We have lots of space for people to build out rather than up. I love living in a horizontal society. To round out the excursion, Greg suggested that we take a boat tour of the city. That seemed like a maximally touristy experience that my kids would complain about now but inaccurately remember fondly in the future. We set a date. Then the kids intervened. Enter the chaos.

Betsy derailed the first date. She had some school function or another on the weekend that she forgot to tell us about. Or maybe I forgot that she did tell us. It’s impossible to keep track. She has to be everywhere all the time no matter what. I don’t recall the exact nature of the event, but it was something she’d been going to meetings for all year to prepare for a single competition on that exact date. I wasn’t going to make her miss it, and I wasn’t going to leave her behind. We pushed the trip to another weekend. She had something on that date, too. Then someone suggested I check the prices for Willis Tower before I rescheduled yet again. It never occurred to me that it would cost more than a nominal fee. I don’t know why I assumed anything in Chicago would be affordable. It’s like I’ve never left my house.

I can’t blame Willis Tower for being expensive. In the age of remote work, there’s no reason for most office buildings to exist. The only way they can make ends meet is by charging amusement park-level prices. That’s not an exaggeration. When I went to the Willis Tower website, I realized it would cost as much to take my family up that elevator as it would to go to Kings Island or Holiday World. That was a deal breaker. Most of my kids don’t like heights. They also don’t like depths, which is why our trip to Mammoth Caves was a bust. I didn’t think my kids would like Willis Tower, but I wanted to take them for the experience. I say that every time I traumatize them. My offspring desire nothing more than to stay at ground level. Their survival instincts override their sense of adventure. I thought going high in the air while staying safely inside a building might be within their limited tolerances for adventure. Now I’ll never know. The tickets were beyond my tolerance for being price gouged. The trip was off. Obviously there’s nothing else to do in Chicago.

Photo by Muzammil Soorma on Unsplash

I didn’t mind canceling that trip because we’ve done so well sticking to the rest of our yearly itinerary. We made it to the board game weekend in the Lake of the Ozarks, the boating trip in Wisconsin, the Fourth of July family reunion in Minneapolis, and the boardgame weekend at our own house. The commute to that last one was my favorite. This week, we’re going to a rented cottage near Lake Michigan with another set of friends. The only unfulfilled item on our schedule besides Chicago was a trip to Kentucky we planned for the end of the summer. We intended to go with our most reliable local board game friends, Peter and Delilah. They’re the ones who come over for Gloomhaven and Domino’s Pizza every week. That was before they got healthy and switched to keto. Now they come over for Gloomhaven and sadness. Last year, Lola and I did a self-guided winery tour in Michigan with them. This year, we wanted to take our kids with us on a similar two-family vacation. We like spending time with our children, and also, we burned our bridges with all our potential overnight free babysitters. Our children will be spending every night with us until they move out.

Since kids can’t drink, we set our sights on something more athletic and less boozy. For perhaps the only time in American history, rails were the answer. While doing her usual internet doom scrolling, Delilah came across an ad for a four-person railbike course in Iowa. It sounded like a fun time, and it was located in my state of birth. I’ll go there every chance I can get until they get sick of me or build a monument to my greatness. One of those is a lot more likely than the other. Before we booked the trip, we discovered a railbike course by the same company, but two hours closer in Kentucky. We planned that for the start of August but didn’t actually book anything. Our procrastination paid off. A few weeks later, we found the same experience, but half an hour away in Indianapolis. We wouldn’t need a hotel room after all. That was ideal because I’m sick of packing. The next time I travel, I’m only taking my tooth brush and the clothes on my back. I apologize in advance to anyone who has to smell me on day three.

My new intention was to recreate the vacation experience, but closer to home. The first step was to exclude the kids. We only managed to secure one four-person railcar. Who knew pedaling around a closed loop would be so popular? People are easily amused. The railbike course is far enough away that I don’t want to drive back afterwards to pick up the kids for the rest of the day’s activities. We’ll take them with us from the start. My in-laws live in that area. Maybe I can get them to take the kids to a movie or trampoline park for those two hours. I haven’t burned all my bridges for daylight babysitting yet. There’s still time. After we finish with the railbikes, we’ll retrieve the children and do the same kinds of activities we would have done to fill the rest of the weekend in Kentucky. I’m thinking of stuff like mini golf, cosmic bowling, and laser tag. They’re the types of fun experiences that I wouldn’t normally splurge on unless I was already blowing money on a vacation and needed to do something to take up the rest of the day. When on a trip, any unoccupied hours will be filled by whining. I’ll justify it by reminding myself of the three hundred dollars per night I saved by not needing to book two hotel rooms. To complete the experience, we’ll eat out for all three meals each day. My kids are still young enough to be impressed by McDonald’s and Arby’s. I need to take advantage of that while I still can. At the end of the weekend, I might even blow their minds by taking them through a car wash.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. Catch you next time. 

James