Even More Kids

Newsletter 2021-05-02

My kids are multiplying. No, we're not having another one. If that ever happened, instead of an email, you’d hear about it in a Florida-man-style news article that included some combination of the words “expectant father,” “nervous breakdown,” and “slow-speed lawnmower chase.” Children are a blessing but also, more accurately, a cause for alarm. Sometimes panic is the right move. In this case, though, the extra children I’m talking about belong to other people. Apparently the houses in my neighborhood are full of kids. I had no idea because, in the thirteen years I’ve lived here, I’ve met almost none of my neighbors. Awkward small talk is the gateway drug to friendship. Just say no. But recently, my daughters have been outside more, and the other children in the area have noticed. Every time I look out my window, there are more and more small humans, forming feral packs of children that roam the neighborhood. This is the apocalypse I should have been preparing for.

As usual, this is al…