Fear on the Water

Newsletter 2023-07-07

[I’m still on the road, so there’s no audio version for today, either. The background noises would traumatize you for life.]

Vacations are the perfect time to develop new and exciting phobias. This year, my nine-year-old, Lucy, spiced up her personality with two hitherto unknown fears. Perhaps she felt left behind by my eleven-year-old, Mae, who got to be scared of storms through the entire month of June. Lucy countered by suddenly being afraid of velocity and open water. Unfortunately, she discovered these fun facts about herself while on a speed boat in the middle of Wisconsin’s largest lake. Our options at that point were limited. She could either face her fears or swim home. What followed was some very wet and loud immersion therapy. When planning this trip, I wanted it to be a vacation the kids would remember. I forgot that traumatic memories last the longest of all.

Sunday, we traveled to Wisconsin to visit my former roommate, Rocco, and his wife, Phoebe. College friendships really do last a lifetime, but only if they’re with people who have a boat you want to ride for free. This is the third year in a row we’ve taken the kids to Rocco and Phoebe’s house to mooch off of their expensive aquatic toys. The first two times, all my kids loved it. I thought I had the winning formula for a great vacation. It was within driving distance, and I didn’t have to pay for a hotel room. More importantly, I didn’t have to operate the boat. Rocco would die before he’d let me touch the steering wheel—or whatever that part of the boat is called. Maybe it’s just “steering wheel,” but said with a pirate accent. I’m fine with having Rocco be in charge of all things nautical. That also means he handles putting the boat in the water and bringing it back out without the slightest bit of input from me. I couldn’t begin to tell you which way to turn the steering wheel to successfully back up anything towed behind a truck. Trailer physics are twice as complicated as quantum mechanics but four times as useful. That’s what they should really be teaching in college. Thankfully, none of that was my problem this week. All I had to do was show up with my family and freeload on someone else’s hard-earned adventure vehicle. For two years in a row, my kids were perfectly happy with that arrangement. In year three, Lucy threw me a curveball.