Greatest Mystery Solved

Newsletter 2023-04-14

Brace yourself.

I'm about to attempt the one thing I vowed I would never, ever, ever, ever do: write something educational.

Despite the (justifiably) low expectations everyone has for me, I've managed to solve the greatest mystery of the modern age. Undoubtedly, you just thought of half a dozen epic unknowns. I don't care about any of those. Find the Ark of the Covenant and Amelia Earhart's plane on your own time. I'm after bigger fish. The question I've answered is much more fundamental to the human experience. It afflicts roughly one half of the human race and greatly annoys the other. I'm talking, of course, about man sneezes.

Why do guys have to scream when they sneeze? Yes, "have to." There's nothing optional about it. You might know a man—or be one—who sneezes at a more reasonable volume. In that case, his (or your) sneezes are just as loud as every other dude's. The volume is just being directed inward, causing irreversible organ damage. The reason that, on average, men die earlier than women has nothing to do with poor decisions made under the influence of testosterone and everything to do with suppressing sneeze volume for the sake of social politeness. Save a life and sneeze like you mean it. The gooey stuff inside your chest cavity well thank you.

Just how loud are man sneezes? Roughly as loud as manly nose blows. This is where I'm going to lose some people. While all men scream sneeze, either internally or externally, only some blow their nose with the same intensity. It's not easy to scream through your nose, but I make it work. Since my computer mic can't handle a noise that loud without exploding, let me describe to you with words what happens when I pick up a tissue.

Imagine a war horn from Lord of the Rings. When I blow my nose, all of Middle Earth knows that Gondor calls for aid—and that Rohan answers. It's a blast that knocks down the walls of Jericho and rings church bells from London to New York. It makes the atomic tests at Bikini Atoll seem like muffled thumps on the other side of a thick wooden door. It's a sound that won't make your ears ring because they'll be blasted off along with all of your clothes and most of your skin. It's the final note that will end the world and herald the rapture. That is the proper way to blow your nose. A man sneeze is the same volume, if not a little louder.

Now you understand the decibel level we're dealing with here, but not the reason for it. What possible explanation could there be for such an out-of-control burst of sound from the human body? That mystery has puzzled scientists since the dawn of time. Luckily for them, I have the explanation. Time to blow some minds.