Greed, Blizzards, and Waffle's Birthday

Newsletter 2019-11-10

My youngest daughter, Waffle, turned four. This shouldn't have caught me off guard since four always comes after three (except in Common Core math), yet somehow I was still surprised. You might think kids age one year every 365 days, but it turns out they actually grow older at the speed of light. Every time I turn around, one of my kids is hitting a new milestone, like learning to wipe their own butt or mastering spaceflight. Obviously the former is far more important. Then again, individual days drag, especially when the kids are being bad. A single temper tantrum can tear a whole in spacetime until the universe is at a dead standstill. The last black hole that scientists discovered was actually just Waffle when she really needed a nap.

This weekend was Waffle’s birthday party. As with any such occasion where other people enter our home, we started the week by ridding the house of any signs that human beings actually live here. I thought the house was already relatively clean thanks …