How I Ruined Christmas

Newsletter 2021-12-26

I ruined Christmas. Almost. I’ll pause here for shocked gasps. Okay, that silence was deafening. At this point, long-time readers of this newsletter aren’t surprised when I wreck anything, especially when gifts are involved. Ever since the wedding invitations in my life dried up for some unknown reason that definitely wasn’t my fault, I’ve had to resort to giving large taxidermy gifts to unsuspecting attendees at unrelated events, like the six-foot-long housewarming cougar I sprang on my friend Greg at my youngest daughter’s birthday party. The attack comes not from the front, but from the side, from the dead predator you didn’t even know was there.

But at Christmas, the entire purpose is to give gifts (Spare me that “reason for the season stuff.” Even baby Jesus asked for a Playstation 5.), and I can’t be uninvited unless I’m kicked off the planet since it’s December 25th everywhere all at once. Last week, I told you how I unwisely armed my children with toy swords, which I gave to th…