How I'm Going to Die

I know exactly how I’m going to die. I didn’t seek out this forbidden knowledge, nor did I want it. If a fortune teller offered to tell me the exact day, time, and cause of my death, I would politely decline, mostly because I’m cheap. I would only ever consult a soothsayer if I had a coupon. Besides, I sort of planned to live forever. That way I don’t have to actually finish any of my projects. Eternal life means eternal procrastination. I just defined heaven on earth. Unfortunately, I accidentally discovered my impending cause of death and also the day and time, give or take a two-hour window. The worst part is it’s all happening this weekend. I did exactly zero digging to gain this terrible information. All I did was look up.