How to Get a Pig Out of Your Bed in 187 Easy Steps

Newsletter 2020-01-19

There comes a time in every young girl's life when she no longer wants to sleep with a pig. It's not that my seven-year-old, Mae, doesn't love Gilly and Luna anymore. In fact, she still prefers pigs over people. Based on every single person I've ever met, she's not wrong. It’s just that pigs aren’t that great in bed, and I mean that in the most platonic, family-friendly way possible.

For one thing, pigs are blanket hogs. They wrap themselves in Mae’s comforter every night, rolling themselves up before Mae even gets upstairs. Once the pigs are in pork burrito mode, there's no hope of getting her blanket back, so Mae’s options are to share whatever small corner of the blanket is left or to get a second blanket and hope the pigs won’t steal that one, too.

The pigs also aren't gentle at handling blankets. Instead of thumbs, they have mouths full or razor sharp teeth designed to let them eat any plant or animal found in nature. Pigs are omnivores, not herbivores, and only the extreme popular…