I Built This (And My Wife Hates It)

Newsletter 2021-03-15

My pig is a jerk. That statement shouldn’t be surprising. Jerkness is basically hardcoded into a pig’s DNA. It’s the main thing they have in common with humans. But what did catch me by surprise this week was the full extent of my bigger pig’s jerkdom. It was a level of selfishness so complete that it ended up costing me half the weekend via a home improvement project that inspired new levels of shame and disappointment from my wife. This far into our marriage, that’s really saying something. It’s Lola’s fault for not putting my power tools in a locked cabinet. What follows is a description of what I think is my most brilliant innovation ever and Lola thinks is a permanent eyesore. Decide for yourself—but only if you side with me.

The impetus for my latest project was once again my backyard. It’s spring, and I’m determined to cultivate something other than scorched earth. Currently, half of my yard is lush and green, like the Emerald Isle. The other half looks like Mordor, but worse. H…