I Got Two More Pigs

Newsletter 2021-10-03

To think, some of you doubted me. I pushed my luck—and my marriage—with one pig. Then I added number two. That was the limit for any sane, rational person, but being neither sane nor rational, it didn’t apply to me. Now, in one fell swoop, I’m up to four pigs in my house. Surely, no relationship could survive that level of animal shenanigans. Maybe that’s the case for most people, but I’m a pro at, um, whatever it is you want to call this. (Questionable pet acquisition? Borderline animal hoarding?) It’s not a coincidence that, on the same weekend my wife came home with a new diamond ring, our pet count skyrocketed. I know how to do just enough to stay married.

The key was finding a mini pig that’s truly mini. Some people think mini pigs stay small enough to fit in a teacup, but that’s never been the case. Farm pigs can easily reach six or seven hundred pounds and come up to a man’s waist. My bigger mini pig, Gilly, weighs about a hundred pounds and comes up to my knees. At four years o…