I Shaved The Dog

Newsletter 2021-06-13

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to shave his dog. Usually, it’s at the tail end of a pandemic when all dog groomers are booked up for months. Apparently there are a lot of canines with crisis afros in line in front of me. The earliest any local groomer could see my dog, Niko, was in September, which would be about three months after he died of heat stroke. He’s a mix of every small, yappy dog breed on earth, one consequence of which is that he doesn’t shed. If left unattended, he becomes a ball of yarn with legs, and, over time, even those get swallowed up by his coat. Not wanting to create the bad kind of hot dog, I bit the bullet and bought a home grooming kit. This is the tale of how I, a guy who can barely handle his own limited facial hair, attempted to buzz Niko, who is 99 percent fur and one percent dog. And, yes, there are pictures. I’m sure they’ll be used as evidence in court when he sues me for crimes against good taste.

This isn’t actually my first attemp…