Jurassic Dragon Unicorn Park

Newsletter 2020-10-25

The only thing that matters more than having candy is getting more of it. As it says in the Bible, greed is good, which is why Halloween is America's most important holiday. Better luck next time, Fourth of July and Christmas. Halloween appeals to people of every political persuasion. It’s peak capitalism because, the harder you work, the more candy you get, and peak socialism because, ultimately, you’re just begging for handouts. A typical Halloween for the Breakwell family consists of a three-hour hike efficiently plotted through the area’s densest and most generous neighborhoods to obtain the maximum candy yield. Taking four kids with four candy bags means we get a quadruple sugar harvest at every house. We never come home with less than twenty pounds of candy, and, yes, I weigh it every year. I’ll never put a “my kid is an honor roll student” bumper sticker on my minivan, but I might put on one for “my kid collected her body weight in Starbursts.” Halloween is the human race’s pur…