My Wife's Biggest Mistake

Newsletter 2019-07-15

Some people think babies come from sex. Those people are wrong. Babies actually come from giving away your baby clothes. If you get rid of your mountains of infant supplies, you’ll instantly get pregnant. There's no science behind any of this, but the anecdotal evidence is irrefutable. That's why my wife Lola and I planned to keep our baby stuff forever or until one of us died, whichever came first. Immaculate conceptions are rare, even for Catholics.

As of right now, we're not planning on having more kids. I’d make that statement more definite, but I have to leave a little wiggle room in case we end up with a surprise fifth child somewhere down the line. I'd hate for that hypothetical future kid to scroll back through these old emails and find out that we fully intended to stop at four. Don’t feel bad, hypothetical future child. Half my siblings were “surprises,” and they all turned out fine. Well, some of them did. One of them ended up with a bear.

Unfortunately, this week our baby-cl…