Who's Bleeding This Time?

Newsletter 2018-08-06

By the Skin of Her Teeth

My 2-year-old might be the first person ever to use her teeth to escape the dentist. You’d think dentists would be prepared to stop something like that, but Waffle found a way. Because my wife and I are raising a large, unruly herd of children, we split them up for dental appointments. I set triple appointments for myself, Betsy, and Lucy, and Lola sets triple appointments for herself, Mae, and Waffle. I’m pretty sure we’re the reason our dentist is retiring early. But before he could make it out the door, my wife book one more triple appointment for Friday. Waffle had other plans.

Because of the various places the kids were scattered that day, my wife took the minivan. Usually, I'm the one who drives it because I like to be cool. That minivan is the source of 100 percent of my sex appeal. But for various logistical reasons, my wife couldn’t pick up two kids without getting all four. I was okay with this because it meant I was left with zero kids, which is my id…