The Most Embarrassing Costume Ever

Newsletter 2018-10-14

Halloween is my favorite holiday. I don't have to pretend to be a better person like at Christmas or act like I appreciate my relatives like at Thanksgiving. Halloween is about the selfish consumption of candy, no more and no less. And, yes, I know about the alleged occult origins of Halloween, but no one is going to holiday-shame me if I don’t carve a gourd to keep away evil spirits. Every holiday comes with its own baggage, but only Halloween’s is a twenty-pound bag of candy. The best part of being an adult is eating M&Ms for dinner for a month. Don’t tell my wife.

Unfortunately, that candy bounty has a time limit. In my hometown, the trick-or-treating cutoff age was twelve, although I may or may not have gone a few years past that. I had to hunch over a little, but I think people bought it. If you wear a mask, no one can see your beard.

Tragically, I eventually became too old to fake it and had to hang up my trick-or-treating bag for good. Or so I thought. It turns out that once you …