Race to the Bottom

Newsletter 2022-01-10

They say horse racing is the sport of kings. I don’t know who “they” are, but they’ve certainly never seen the Pinewood Derby. The true sport worthy of royalty involves carved wooden blocks harnessing the awesome power of gravity. Blink and you’ll miss it, assuming your blink lasts three seconds, which is all the time it takes for the average car to clear the thirty-two foot track. Of course, my cars are anything but average. I come from a proud line of terrible Pinewood Derby racers, bound to come in last again and again against pine opponents of nearly identical dimensions. It takes skill to be that consistently bad, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s me. Now, it’s time to pass that talent on to my daughters, three of whom joined Cub Scouts just to spite me. This weekend, we made our cars. Read on to find out how many fingers we had left when the saws stopped. Good thing I can type with my elbows.

The first step in any do-it-yourself project is to not do it yourself. I immediately t…