The Coolest (or Uncoolest) Thing I Own

Newsletter 2019-04-19

I'm cooler than you think I am. That's not hard because you don't think I'm cool at all. To be fair, I haven’t given you much evidence to the contrary. I don't know anything about sports, I have strong opinions about Harry Potter characters, and I own more cargo shorts than should be allowed by law. They can have my extra pockets when they pry them off my cold, dead thighs. Actually, they can't. I'll be wearing them at my funeral.

But this weekend, I did something that, depending on your point of view, will either make me the coolest or least cool dad you've ever met (or at least read about from the safety of the internet): I went shopping for a second minivan.

If you’ve been reading these emails for any length of time, you know how I feel about shopping. On the pain scale, it ranks somewhere between being waterboarded and being flayed alive. This weekly newsletter is basically just a catalog of reasons why my wife shouldn’t take me to the store, which is probably why Lola insists I go …