The Evest Eve

Newsletter 2023-12-21

Christmas Eve is fine, and New Year’s Eve has its moments, but for my money (of which there is none) neither can hold a candle to the greatest eve: Christmas Break Eve. No present can compare to the sheer joy of two weeks off school. Santa can’t compete. Not that he shouldn’t try. If he could hand out vouchers for extra vacation time, his bag would be a lot lighter, even if he might collapse the school system and the economy in the process. That’s a small price to pay for a few extra days at home. Christmas Break Eve is one of the most exciting days of the year if you’re a kid or even a teacher. Correction: especially if you’re a teacher. I guarantee you they need this break way more than their students do. For parents, though, Christmas Break Eve is a day of more nuanced emotions. We’re excited to spend the next two weeks with our kids, but we’re also terrified of it. It’s that strange mashup of upbeat anticipation and dread that comes with knowing that your children will soon be with you all day, every day for a fortnight. I now work almost entirely from home. Whether I’m on vacation or on the clock, I’m in my house, which is, coincidentally, where my kids live. For the next fourteen days, we’re going to be spending more time together than any of us is comfortable with. Tis the season for a nervous breakdown. Pass the eggnog.

Christmas Break Eve is all the more exciting for my kids this year because it will be followed almost immediately by actual Christmas Eve and Christmas. The school system waited until the last possible minute to unleash the children, which is dangerous since they go feral the last few days. No learning happens that last week or, for certain kids, the last month. When I was in school, I usually stopped taking in new information around September 3rd. Embracing those limitations, my kids’ elementary school has a field day on Christmas Break Eve. Before summer break, a field day means literally sending the kids out into a field, or the playground, which is close enough. Sending the students out into an actual field to pull a plow or detassel corn is frowned upon these days. Thanks for nothing, child labor laws. Field day consists of games, many of which have water, to keep the kids occupied and outside, directing their pent-up energy in the least harmful direction possible. That’s not an option for the field day on Christmas Break Eve. It’s a bad time to banish students outside for the day. Losing fingers and toes to frostbite would put a damper on Christmas vacation. Instead, my younger two daughters can expect a full day of indoor holiday-themed games and challenges. My only hope is they don’t break anything. I’m referring both to property and bones. I’ve gotten multiple calls from the school nurse about bruises Waffle sustained walking around on a normal school day. She’s basically a battering ram in human form. Who knows what will happen when they turn her loose to run down the halls? They better line the walls with gym mats if they want the school to stay standing.

My older two girls don’t get a field day, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be learning. Most of their classes gave up on being productive days ago. My thirteen-year-old, Betsy, spent most of the week coming up with new outfits to wear for various theme days. Every time she wanted to wear a holiday costume, she had to pay a dollar, which doesn’t make sense to me. Their school doesn’t have uniforms. Who’s to say what’s a costume and what’s part of your regular wardrobe? Maybe my kids wear reindeer antlers to school year round. Betsy’s week was also filled with Christmas parties after school for the million different groups she’s in. One of them was called Dip-mas, which, as the name suggests, was a party based on dipping foods like guacamole and salsa. I’d be fine with using that as a replacement for actual Christmas. Let me talk to the pope. I’m sure Jesus would have preferred it that way. It’s not like he wanted gold, frankincense, and myrrh. If the three wise men knew anything about babies, they would have brought queso.