The Finished Porch

Newsletter 2024-04-05

The Battle of the Porch is over. The Battle of the Porch will never end.

My father-in-law, Bob, eyed me nervously throughout the renovation, and not just because I was a threat to myself and others. It was because of this newsletter. He’s aware that I write about him, but he’s never read a word I’ve written—nor will he ever. He has far too much self-respect to subject himself to the online ramblings of his son-in-law’s alter ego. He doesn’t realize that I write about him like he’s a god among men. He descends from Mount Olympus—or perhaps Mount Home Depot—to do home improvement projects for free, then disappears into the ether, never to be seen again. Or maybe he’ll pop up at the next family gathering. It’s hard to say. He vanished suddenly a few days ago, leaving me with a list of minor tasks on the porch to finish up in his wake. I’m not ready for that level of adult responsibility. I’m not even forty.

Bob did a huge chunk of the final work while I was out of state. I thought I was his indispensable assistant, but once I was gone, he quickly replaced me with a series of inanimate objects. It was all over for me when Bob figured out how to hold a board in place using a paint scraper. His other great innovation was installing floor jacks upside down. We used them to remove and then reinstall columns without the porch roof collapsing on top of us. Being crushed to death would have put a damper on our productivity. Normally, I’d stand on a ladder holding the floor jack in place while Bob used a big wrench to twist the screw at the bottom to tighten it. When he put the floor jack upside down, however, he could stand on the ladder, holding the post himself while also using the wrench on the screw, which was now at the top. While I was drinking beer and playing board games beside an indoor pool, Bob sent me pictures of his progress. He appeared to work twice as fast when I wasn’t there. I’m sure that was just a coincidence. Perhaps he knew all along that I wasn’t necessary, and he simply included me in the hopes of imparting a few skills. Then again, he might have simply wanted to punish me by wasting my time. If he had to be out there, then I did, too. I ruined his daughter’s life by marrying her. It’s only fair that Bob finally got his revenge, even if it was delayed by a few decades.