The Golden Hoard

Newsletter 2024-08-23

Apple season is upon us. The kids are certainly enjoying it. Not as much as the pigs, but close. We continue to be out-maneuvered by miniature livestock. We have two apple trees at the back of our modest backyard. We planted them sixteen years ago when we moved in. After freeloading for most of that time, the trees recently started producing meaningful quantities of fruit. Not coincidentally, it was around the same time the price of small chainsaws dropped. The best threats are half off. At the start of this spring, each tree had thousands of blossoms, all of which bloomed after the last frost. We seemed primed for a surplus of apples so overwhelming that humans and pigs would both get sick of them. That’s saying a lot for an animal that, if given the chance, would eat itself to death. That animal is me. Instead, we found ourselves rushing out over the weekend to grab what few leftovers were still clinging to the branches. Without us noticing, our expected record-setting apple season ended before it began. Here’s how it all went wrong.