The Haunting Returns

Newsletter 2024-01-11

I thought the universe was out to get me. I was wrong. It was out to get my van instead. You might remember that my previous minivan suffered from a serious engineering flaw known as being haunted. The electrical system failed multiple times for no discernable reason and the oil repeatedly vanished without a trace. Mechanics at different shops confirmed there was no leak and that the van wasn’t burning oil, yet the critical lubricant disappeared from this realm of existence all the same. After closely scrutinizing the van’s instruction manual, I determined that the only possible explanation was a demon. Things only got worse from there. The final straw was when both automatic sliding doors failed, threatening to seal us in or out of the vehicle. I’m not sure which fate would have been worse. Due to supply issues and the quirks of the used vehicle market, I, the cheapest man alive, ended up buying the first new (as in “not used”) vehicle of my life. It killed me to spend that much money, but at least I knew I had reliable transportation that would work like it was supposed to. That was two years ago. If the time since then has taught me anything, it’s that my new van is haunted, too.