The Line to End All Lines

Newsletter 2018-12-23

They say you need patience to be a parent. I don't know who “they” are, but they lie. I have the least patience of any parent I know. If I sat back and let my kids go at their own pace, it would take them six years to put on their shoes. By the time they had them laced up, they would have outgrown them. And that's why my kids are barefoot.

I carry this lack of patience into every other area of my life. The number of minutes I’m willing to wait for anything is basically zero. That’s not to say I walk up to the counter and demand service. If there’s a line, I just walk away. Surely there’s a similar establishment where nobody goes, and probably for good reason. But I'm willing to risk inferior service and possibly food poisoning if it means I can get in and out slightly faster. My time is valuable, but only to me.

But there are some things in life that I have to wait in line for, no matter how much it kills me inside. Chief among them are mandatory seasonal celebrations. The first time I …