The New (Less Haunted) Van

Newsletter 2021-09-05

I officially took possession of the new van. Technically, this news is a few weeks old, but, like a new pregnancy, I didn’t want to announce it too soon lest something go wrong. There was always the possibility that the demon from my old van could jump to the new one, unleashing more unsolvable mechanical problems guaranteed to baffle mechanics and clergy alike. Actually, that could still happen. I don’t think the armies of Satan adhere to any statute of limitations. Regardless, I now feel confident enough to tell you what it’s like to own a new vehicle that’s actually new and not just new to me after some other parent spent two or three years beating the hell out of it. Although that last option doesn’t sound like such a bad thing if taken literally. Maybe that’s how you drive the demons out.

It’s weird driving the new van. My old vehicle had 155,000 miles on it. My new vehicle had seven. At least that’s what the car salesmen said, which was a lie. When I got in and turned it on for t…