The Van Assassin

Newsletter 2023-07-21

Someone is trying to murder my new minivan. The lead suspect is the universe itself. Clearly some cosmic force is threatened by the awesomeness that is the standard eight-passenger family vehicle. I only got a new minivan in the first place because my old one was haunted. The electrical system shut off randomly, the oil repeatedly disappeared without a trace, and both automatic sliding doors broke in ways that would cost more to fix than the actual value of the vehicle. Even then, I was reluctant to get rid of it. The estimated lifespan of the average minivan is forever. When we finally upgraded to a new vehicle, we literally got a new one, which kills me to write, even now. Being cheap is pretty much my entire personality. Unfortunately, the used car market was so messed up two years ago that the only models available were premium trim packages, and they were all priced higher than a brand new van with the base trim. I ended up paying full sticker price for a van straight off the factory line and thinking I got a good deal. That must be what it feels like to be dead inside.

Still, I came away with a new vehicle to withstand the ages. I should be able to pass it down to my children and my children’s children and so on until the end of man. That was the plan, anyway. Then the assassination attempts began. First, there was a mysterious dent that appeared on the side of my new van. It was too high to be from the handlebars on a bike and too deep to have been an accident. My best guess is that a passing knight used my van for jousting practice. Then, on a particularly cold morning, the windshield randomly cracked with a fast-spreading fissure that stretched the entire length of the glass. Each incident cost me exactly $750, which is my deductible. Car law says it’s literally impossible for any repair, no matter how minor, to ever cost less than that. If a mechanic brushed a speck of dust off one headlight, the total bill would be $751. All of that damage, though, paled in comparison to the main event. The preliminary estimate for the latest fiasco is $7,000, and that’s just for my van. Lola’s ride appears to have taken similar abuse, but we just haven’t been able to get a mechanic to check it out yet. They’re that backed up. Minivan murder attempts are on the rise in the area. This is the worst vehicle disaster in the history of the world, or at least since a teenager hit me and totaled my last car. Here’s the story of how the universe is trying to destroy the greatest source of joy in my life.