Top 10 Ways My Kids Hurt Themselves

Newsletter 2021-04-19

To be a child is to get hurt. It's fundamental to their nature. If you have a kid and they're not constantly getting injured in odd and ridiculous ways, you don't have a child; you have a body snatcher doing a poor imitation. The quality of their work has really gone down ever since they disbanded their union. If you want to find out for sure if you have a child or an evil imposter, set out something sharp and pokey and tell them not to touch it. Then leave the room. If you don’t hear crying, contact the authorities immediately. Your call won’t seem out of place at all. Everybody knows spring is prime doppelganger season.

My kids are always coming to minor harm by weird and surprising means, but not always weird and surprising enough to write about in my newsletter. You have to bring your A game when you accidentally hurt yourself if you want a mention here. Unfortunately, when I don’t write about that stuff, it gives the mistaken impression that my kids made it through the past week i…