When Pigs Attack

Newsletter 2019-12-01

Kids get bored when cooped up inside. So do pigs. To be clear, my two pigs, Gilly and Luna, have just as much access to the yard as ever. They just choose to stay indoors because it’s cold and wet outside and they don’t want to get their dainty hooves dirty. Unfortunately for them, they finally started taking after me. The upshot is that Gilly hasn’t been using up her energy to tear up my yard. Instead, she’s been systematically attacking every cabinet in the house like a raptor testing an electric fence. Every time she figures out how to open yet another storage chamber, we remove the handle, add a child lock, or protect it with a curse. The Egyptians were on to something. All our defensive measures haven’t slowed down Gilly at all. Nothing will deter her mission. She’s like a terminator, but instead of liquid metal she’s made of pork.

This week, Gilly had her best score yet. Over the course of the week, I noticed multiple times that our potato chip drawer was pulled out a few inches.…