How far would you drive for cake? For my brother Harry, the answer is eleven hours. He’s going to be at my daughters’ triple birthday party next Saturday and is bringing his entire family. That was big news in my world. The Air Force has him stationed out West on the off chance that what’s left of ISIS decides to attack us in the absolute middle of nowhere. You can never be too careful with America’s strategic cactus supply. I haven’t seen Harry in two years and have yet to meet his youngest child. His surprise announcement turned what we expected to be an unremarkable iteration of our annual group birthday party into our biggest social event ever. Siblings who had otherwise been too busy to gift wrap Squishmallows and Lego sets times three suddenly found openings in their schedules. Five of my six brothers and sisters will be under my roof along with their various significant others, children, and dogs. When combined with Lola’s side of the family (She has a mere three siblings, which, by Catholic standards, means she was practically an only child.), we’ll have a high enough population to get our own post office. We already felt an immense pressure to clean when we only expected the family members we see regularly. It’s too late to impress any of them. They’ve been relentlessly underwhelmed by repeated contact. But now we have geographically distant siblings to impress. Unless we don’t want them to ever come back. Then we should show them how we really live.
For your back porch, use Kilz one coat primer and paint. It's amazing for covering and sealing in problems like dog or cat urine on wood. It beats replacing the wood, as the lumber prices are insane these days.
You nailed it with nobody caring what it looks like. We really are our own worst judge. My sister lives in Oklahoma, I in Missouri. We each make the trip back and forth as often as we can (it’s about 6 hours of being on highway 35). This last time it was me going and I was surprised by how clean everything is. Normally she’s always been the clean one but several illnesses have left her with the inability to do what she use to. Now me? Well, I use it as an excuse to clean. We seldom have visitors and I live with 3 men who could care less about mess. Actually they’re a bit feral. It’s hard to get motivated when you’d rather being making Art, and they could care less. But, point is, I do understand the frenzy believe me. We have pets also. LOL
We view at the same way. Even if we're not being judged, it's our excuse to get motivated and do the cleaning that needs to be done. Then we can ignore the dirt for another year.
I was recently named a godparent to my niece and nephew. Which is crazy, as I'm probably the worst Catholic ever (at my recent confession after 20 years of missing it, I told the priest I haven't murdered anyone, but everything else was probably likely).
You should have told them that you did murder someone. Then, at your next trip to the confessional 20 years from now, you could ask forgiveness for lying.
You are certainly going to top the number of guests at Bilbo Baggins' 111th birthday party ;)
I can only wish you for it to be joyful, stressless and unforgettable experience. And, in advance for the girls, to wish all the best, fulfilling their dreams and lots of presents (and money too :)).
In the past we did in my family birthday (and other occasions) parties at home (such as my or older cousins first communion) when I or my brothers were younger, but now, given we hate cleaning and have (by mum's perception) cavemen standards for how a clean household looks like, we only invite guests to restaurants/hotels/party houses for a round anniversaries. The biggest benefits of this approach are lack of need to cook before and clean afterwards. Less stress while organising is also a big positive. The only disadvantage is paying.
Speaking of animal urine: it's a big problem for us only since we have our cat - before that, other visiting cats behaved and peed in the garden, now for a few years it's a constant war for domination over our front and garage doors.
The war for domination concerns me. Will have at least three visiting dogs, and they'll smell the back porch. Hopefully it doesn't start a competition.
I would be thrilled to have my siblings visit since it's been 10 years since we've all been together (mom's funeral). I don't mind a house of clutter and being messy but "dirty" being actually dirty is another situation. If you look hard enough, you'll find some needed cleaning be done in everyone's house and so be it. I'd say you are on the path to what you consider to be a reasonably presentable house to your guests. So just clean until you are satisfied, then relax and enjoy your time with your family. Nobody wants to be in a house where you're afraid to touch anything, sit anywhere, or drop a few crumbs on the floor. A sterile environment is just that - sterile. I like to know a family lives there when I visit someone. Bring on the fun!
The good news is people won't be afraid to sit because the house is too clean. They'll be afraid to sit because we'll run out of chairs. We're going to have a lot of people on the floor.
Hoo boy. Almost all the aunts, uncles and cousins, to a triple birthday party! Wonderful chaos and an unfathomable number of new toys! Get someone to take a bunch of video (or whatever it is called nowadays); it will be a treasure for life.
Their toy haul this year is projected to be unparalleled. We might need a new house just to hold it all. Or, you know, we can make them get rid of some of their old toys. Decide for yourself which one of those things you think is more likely.
Preparing for a graduation party that has now reached wedding reception proportions, I identify totally James. We didn't even invite many of the extended family and old friends coming into to town for it, but most just said, "we're coming." I literally had to reserve a block of rooms at a hotel. For a high school graduation! I told my daughter that it's her fault because she's so nice. If she were a typical moody teen no one would be traveling insane distances to attend and this would be a lot easier on all of us. She'd just get polite cards with checks in the mail and we could relax and enjoy graduation weekend. Ha!
This triple birthday party is going to be EPIC! Have fun, enjoy your family, count your children at the end to make sure none went away with their uncles or aunts 😜. I’m sure you will enjoy the cleaning after the party even better!
Oddly enough, the party isn't particularly messy at all, at least not compared to the damage for girls due to this house on a daily basis. It helps that they're distracted for the full day. It's after all the relatives go home that the real mess begins.
I’m so happy for you to hear Harry is coming with his family -- despite the pressure to show off your house, it is great that most of your siblings will all be together. Normally it takes a funeral for that to happen (in my experience), so enjoy that it is a happy occasion. I’m looking forward to cake pictures!
I’m also planning for a (smaller) family party this Saturday -- my 15 year old is being confirmed, and we’re hosting 28 people... most of whom haven’t been here in years... and we’re in the middle of a big renovation so things are a bit messy. So my advice to you is the same I’ve planned for myself - just do the best you can, and everyone will enjoy that, whatever level of organisation and cleanliness it is! Have a fun party!
For your back porch, use Kilz one coat primer and paint. It's amazing for covering and sealing in problems like dog or cat urine on wood. It beats replacing the wood, as the lumber prices are insane these days.
Might work on Harry's feet, too. 😉
You have done me a great service this day. Hypothetically, what happens if my spiteful dog pees on wet paint?
Umm, can spiteful doggo spend a few hours in the yard while the paint dries? 🤔
Use your creative powers, James... 😉
You nailed it with nobody caring what it looks like. We really are our own worst judge. My sister lives in Oklahoma, I in Missouri. We each make the trip back and forth as often as we can (it’s about 6 hours of being on highway 35). This last time it was me going and I was surprised by how clean everything is. Normally she’s always been the clean one but several illnesses have left her with the inability to do what she use to. Now me? Well, I use it as an excuse to clean. We seldom have visitors and I live with 3 men who could care less about mess. Actually they’re a bit feral. It’s hard to get motivated when you’d rather being making Art, and they could care less. But, point is, I do understand the frenzy believe me. We have pets also. LOL
We view at the same way. Even if we're not being judged, it's our excuse to get motivated and do the cleaning that needs to be done. Then we can ignore the dirt for another year.
I was recently named a godparent to my niece and nephew. Which is crazy, as I'm probably the worst Catholic ever (at my recent confession after 20 years of missing it, I told the priest I haven't murdered anyone, but everything else was probably likely).
Good luck with the cleaning!!
You should have told them that you did murder someone. Then, at your next trip to the confessional 20 years from now, you could ask forgiveness for lying.
You are certainly going to top the number of guests at Bilbo Baggins' 111th birthday party ;)
I can only wish you for it to be joyful, stressless and unforgettable experience. And, in advance for the girls, to wish all the best, fulfilling their dreams and lots of presents (and money too :)).
In the past we did in my family birthday (and other occasions) parties at home (such as my or older cousins first communion) when I or my brothers were younger, but now, given we hate cleaning and have (by mum's perception) cavemen standards for how a clean household looks like, we only invite guests to restaurants/hotels/party houses for a round anniversaries. The biggest benefits of this approach are lack of need to cook before and clean afterwards. Less stress while organising is also a big positive. The only disadvantage is paying.
Speaking of animal urine: it's a big problem for us only since we have our cat - before that, other visiting cats behaved and peed in the garden, now for a few years it's a constant war for domination over our front and garage doors.
The war for domination concerns me. Will have at least three visiting dogs, and they'll smell the back porch. Hopefully it doesn't start a competition.
I would be thrilled to have my siblings visit since it's been 10 years since we've all been together (mom's funeral). I don't mind a house of clutter and being messy but "dirty" being actually dirty is another situation. If you look hard enough, you'll find some needed cleaning be done in everyone's house and so be it. I'd say you are on the path to what you consider to be a reasonably presentable house to your guests. So just clean until you are satisfied, then relax and enjoy your time with your family. Nobody wants to be in a house where you're afraid to touch anything, sit anywhere, or drop a few crumbs on the floor. A sterile environment is just that - sterile. I like to know a family lives there when I visit someone. Bring on the fun!
The good news is people won't be afraid to sit because the house is too clean. They'll be afraid to sit because we'll run out of chairs. We're going to have a lot of people on the floor.
Hoo boy. Almost all the aunts, uncles and cousins, to a triple birthday party! Wonderful chaos and an unfathomable number of new toys! Get someone to take a bunch of video (or whatever it is called nowadays); it will be a treasure for life.
Their toy haul this year is projected to be unparalleled. We might need a new house just to hold it all. Or, you know, we can make them get rid of some of their old toys. Decide for yourself which one of those things you think is more likely.
Preparing for a graduation party that has now reached wedding reception proportions, I identify totally James. We didn't even invite many of the extended family and old friends coming into to town for it, but most just said, "we're coming." I literally had to reserve a block of rooms at a hotel. For a high school graduation! I told my daughter that it's her fault because she's so nice. If she were a typical moody teen no one would be traveling insane distances to attend and this would be a lot easier on all of us. She'd just get polite cards with checks in the mail and we could relax and enjoy graduation weekend. Ha!
This triple birthday party is going to be EPIC! Have fun, enjoy your family, count your children at the end to make sure none went away with their uncles or aunts 😜. I’m sure you will enjoy the cleaning after the party even better!
Oddly enough, the party isn't particularly messy at all, at least not compared to the damage for girls due to this house on a daily basis. It helps that they're distracted for the full day. It's after all the relatives go home that the real mess begins.
Or that you end up with additional head count!!
Hahaha! Yes, that could happen, too.
I expect there to be more awesome content after the birthday extravaganza! Good luck and I’m glad I’m not close enough to help out!
You were wise to live far, far away.
I’m so happy for you to hear Harry is coming with his family -- despite the pressure to show off your house, it is great that most of your siblings will all be together. Normally it takes a funeral for that to happen (in my experience), so enjoy that it is a happy occasion. I’m looking forward to cake pictures!
I’m also planning for a (smaller) family party this Saturday -- my 15 year old is being confirmed, and we’re hosting 28 people... most of whom haven’t been here in years... and we’re in the middle of a big renovation so things are a bit messy. So my advice to you is the same I’ve planned for myself - just do the best you can, and everyone will enjoy that, whatever level of organisation and cleanliness it is! Have a fun party!
Also, I expect many photos!
The day shall not go undocumented.
Haha! I was going to suggest a flamethrower for the back porch also.
One quotable line after another -- great pacing. I'm glad I stumbled upon your Substack!
Great
The kids are already coming up with their unrealistic concepts, and Lola is figuring out ways to actually make them happen.