I deliberately didn't include it so as not to induce vomiting. There are enough pre-beard pictures of me floating around the internet that I wish I could purge.
I've never heard so many phrases for beards, so kudos. Despite what you say, I bet you look quite handsome, just different. In his much younger days, MrP used to grow a beard every once in awhile, then shear it down to a mustache, then all the way to baby-faced. He loved getting those quizzical looks from the kids trying to figure out who the hell he was and it amused him greatly to find out how long it took me to notice even if 3 days later. He quit doing the beard thing when it came in white and made him look 10 years older. I'm not sure which I liked best because I thought he was handsome either way, as I'm sure Lola does with you. Anyway, I thought this whole newsletter was hilarious and belongs as an addendum to How to Be a Man. Loved it.
Thanks for your very enjoyable Substack! “Now, they’re old enough to appreciate the horror of what I’ve done.” These are words EVERY parent utters when expressing our angst at not being perfect . . . for all the reasons we are not perfect. Hahaha.
Ya, I don’t let self reflection keep me awake at night; but then, I’m not writing for a large audience either. Please keep up the excellence!
First of all, you’re a very nice-looking man - in fact, your entire family is very appealing.
And yet, how can we be sure? As at least one other comment regrets, this post didn’t include before and after photos so we can’t even BEGIN to judge whether you might have photoshopped one or the other or even your whole family. Do their hands align with their sweater sleeves? Are their zippers correct, whatever that means for a zipper?
And finally, your children’s possible trauma is nothing compared to what I experience in my fragile 20s. My then-husband was very distressed by his receding hairline. Now I happen to like bald heads, whether authentic, shaved, or photoshopped, because my dad was bald. That preference was deemed irrelevant and X decided to get a hairpiece. I was going out of town for a week and asked that he at least wait til I returned. But no. Who met me at the airport gate? Well, a complete stranger with very thick hair. I won’t say more except that after trying various other highly touted and expensive solution the man is now very wisely bald.
Excellent Kate Middleton reference. I was going to make a joke in that vein but thought nobody would get it. Clearly this crowd is more online than I give them credit for. I'm also glad your husband opted to go bald. Sounds like he is fortunate to have a nicely shaped head. I'm not sure what lurks under my hair, and I'd rather not find out.
My ex used to trim his beard with the #2 attachment on the clippers. One morning, he didn't notice the attachment was not on, & cut a bare swath thru his chin. The only answer was to shave it all off. Our youngest who was about 3-4, had never seen him without it. The baby cried & wanted his daddy!
My paternal grandfather had a carefully trimmed mustache for the vast majority of his life. My father related to me the only time that his father’s trimming skills failed him. After trying to fix his mistake somehow and failing, he just shaved it off. The reaction of my grandmother, my dad, and dad’s siblings was much as what you describe, although a reason was given. To all of them, it appeared that his upper lip was swollen. For the record, the only two pictures I have seen of him from his mustache-less early adulthood do not make his upper lip look swollen to me. He grew his mustache back immediately and kept it until his fine motor skills dissipated with age.
My experiment with beard-growing was different than yours but humorous as well. About three months after starting it I ran into an old friend and colleague I hadn’t seen for a long while in a public restroom 100 miles away from our stomping grounds in which we had managed not to run into each other for so long. His reaction? “You look like my rabbi.” I had not really thought about the ‘look’ I was going for, but I was neither a rabbi nor even Jewish, so changing my profession to suit my unintended new look was not an option. I decided to shave it off, but leave the mustache. In which I looked to myself like the defendant in an odometer manipulation trial. So much for whatever it was I was trying for in the facial hair department.
Sounds like my experience where every change was the wrong one. You should have doubled down on the rabbi look. It's always good to have a backup career lined up.
The problem with majestic beards is that they actually take a lot of work. Those dudes are buying beard products and putting a lot of effort into maintaining them. The whole point of having a beard is to be lazy. I don't want to shave my whole face every day, ergo I have a beard. I don't, however, want to start buying mysterious and expensive beard oils and other products. No. I trim it to a decent level, then leave it alone for a few weeks, occasionally trimming the stray rogues that decide they want to strike out in new directions.
My late husband always had a mustache, even when we were dating. I had never seen him without his stache. When our daughter was around 18 months for some reason, which I cannot remember, he shaved off the mustache. It took me 2 days to realize why he looked so funny. Our little girl would not go to him and if he tried to pick her up she would scream. She decided to fall in love with one of our neighbors who had a fantastic beard and mustache. Normally our daughter would not go to strangers but made an exception until her daddy grew his mustache back ;o)
That was a hard lesson for everyone involved. The space under a man's nose is best kept hidden. The world would rather not know what's lurking under there.
Had a colleague I've known for a few years. He's always had this awesome Super Mario/villian mustache that twirled up on the ends. He's in a different state, so I rarely see him in person, however.
I was on a video with him recently and immediately noticed his lack of mustache. I was shocked-- he instantly looked 15 years younger. And not like the colleague I've known for years , much to my dismay.
When my Dad had heart surgery the hospital shaved off his beard. He had it since he stopped being a welder, so maybe 30 years. I did not know he had a double chin. My youngest sister did not know he had a chin. He would be in his early 90s now. He has been gone 13 years ago today.
You have four kids at least one of them will be in therapy. Don't worry now over which one it will be. I doubt your facial hair will be an issue.
I remember when I saw my dad with a beard for the first time. I was in college and had no forewarning. It was a shock and I reacted the same way your kids did. Once he was finished growing it out, it was beautiful. So, I believe you’d have fewer comments if you’d prepared your children for the change. On the other hand, you’d not have had a column for today.
Truthfully, shaving it this short was an accident, but once I took out the first chunk, there was no going back. I'd say that next time I'll give them a warning, but there will never be a next time. Some level of facial hair is coming back forever.
I’m disappointed today’s story didn’t come with a supporting photo.
I deliberately didn't include it so as not to induce vomiting. There are enough pre-beard pictures of me floating around the internet that I wish I could purge.
Yeah, how do you write an entire newsletter about your new beard-do and not have a picture?
Grow it back out and braid it like Gimli. That'll keep it out of your way and reasonably tamed.
I will not appear in any visual media until the beard is back. Or until it's time to record the podcast again, whichever comes first.
I've never heard so many phrases for beards, so kudos. Despite what you say, I bet you look quite handsome, just different. In his much younger days, MrP used to grow a beard every once in awhile, then shear it down to a mustache, then all the way to baby-faced. He loved getting those quizzical looks from the kids trying to figure out who the hell he was and it amused him greatly to find out how long it took me to notice even if 3 days later. He quit doing the beard thing when it came in white and made him look 10 years older. I'm not sure which I liked best because I thought he was handsome either way, as I'm sure Lola does with you. Anyway, I thought this whole newsletter was hilarious and belongs as an addendum to How to Be a Man. Loved it.
Your husband missed an opportunity. If my hair was white, I'd grow the longest beard I could. I've always wanted to look like Gandalf.
Or Santa, Santa is less beard more tummy
Yeah, I liked all those synonyms (euphemisms?) too!
I'm one of those (rare?) guys who doesn't look good with a beard. At all.
There's a lesson in there somewhere, but I'll be damned if I can find it.
The lesson is it's best if people don't look at us.
Thanks for your very enjoyable Substack! “Now, they’re old enough to appreciate the horror of what I’ve done.” These are words EVERY parent utters when expressing our angst at not being perfect . . . for all the reasons we are not perfect. Hahaha.
Ya, I don’t let self reflection keep me awake at night; but then, I’m not writing for a large audience either. Please keep up the excellence!
If I run out of trauma, I run out of content. My kids loss is the internet's gain.
First of all, you’re a very nice-looking man - in fact, your entire family is very appealing.
And yet, how can we be sure? As at least one other comment regrets, this post didn’t include before and after photos so we can’t even BEGIN to judge whether you might have photoshopped one or the other or even your whole family. Do their hands align with their sweater sleeves? Are their zippers correct, whatever that means for a zipper?
And finally, your children’s possible trauma is nothing compared to what I experience in my fragile 20s. My then-husband was very distressed by his receding hairline. Now I happen to like bald heads, whether authentic, shaved, or photoshopped, because my dad was bald. That preference was deemed irrelevant and X decided to get a hairpiece. I was going out of town for a week and asked that he at least wait til I returned. But no. Who met me at the airport gate? Well, a complete stranger with very thick hair. I won’t say more except that after trying various other highly touted and expensive solution the man is now very wisely bald.
Excellent Kate Middleton reference. I was going to make a joke in that vein but thought nobody would get it. Clearly this crowd is more online than I give them credit for. I'm also glad your husband opted to go bald. Sounds like he is fortunate to have a nicely shaped head. I'm not sure what lurks under my hair, and I'd rather not find out.
My ex used to trim his beard with the #2 attachment on the clippers. One morning, he didn't notice the attachment was not on, & cut a bare swath thru his chin. The only answer was to shave it all off. Our youngest who was about 3-4, had never seen him without it. The baby cried & wanted his daddy!
It appears the trauma of a dad losing his beard is universal. Children might never recover.
My paternal grandfather had a carefully trimmed mustache for the vast majority of his life. My father related to me the only time that his father’s trimming skills failed him. After trying to fix his mistake somehow and failing, he just shaved it off. The reaction of my grandmother, my dad, and dad’s siblings was much as what you describe, although a reason was given. To all of them, it appeared that his upper lip was swollen. For the record, the only two pictures I have seen of him from his mustache-less early adulthood do not make his upper lip look swollen to me. He grew his mustache back immediately and kept it until his fine motor skills dissipated with age.
My experiment with beard-growing was different than yours but humorous as well. About three months after starting it I ran into an old friend and colleague I hadn’t seen for a long while in a public restroom 100 miles away from our stomping grounds in which we had managed not to run into each other for so long. His reaction? “You look like my rabbi.” I had not really thought about the ‘look’ I was going for, but I was neither a rabbi nor even Jewish, so changing my profession to suit my unintended new look was not an option. I decided to shave it off, but leave the mustache. In which I looked to myself like the defendant in an odometer manipulation trial. So much for whatever it was I was trying for in the facial hair department.
Sounds like my experience where every change was the wrong one. You should have doubled down on the rabbi look. It's always good to have a backup career lined up.
The problem with majestic beards is that they actually take a lot of work. Those dudes are buying beard products and putting a lot of effort into maintaining them. The whole point of having a beard is to be lazy. I don't want to shave my whole face every day, ergo I have a beard. I don't, however, want to start buying mysterious and expensive beard oils and other products. No. I trim it to a decent level, then leave it alone for a few weeks, occasionally trimming the stray rogues that decide they want to strike out in new directions.
This seems like the right balance. Unfortunately, that leaves me with a poofy beard that makes my face look twice as wide as it really is.
My late husband always had a mustache, even when we were dating. I had never seen him without his stache. When our daughter was around 18 months for some reason, which I cannot remember, he shaved off the mustache. It took me 2 days to realize why he looked so funny. Our little girl would not go to him and if he tried to pick her up she would scream. She decided to fall in love with one of our neighbors who had a fantastic beard and mustache. Normally our daughter would not go to strangers but made an exception until her daddy grew his mustache back ;o)
That was a hard lesson for everyone involved. The space under a man's nose is best kept hidden. The world would rather not know what's lurking under there.
Had a colleague I've known for a few years. He's always had this awesome Super Mario/villian mustache that twirled up on the ends. He's in a different state, so I rarely see him in person, however.
I was on a video with him recently and immediately noticed his lack of mustache. I was shocked-- he instantly looked 15 years younger. And not like the colleague I've known for years , much to my dismay.
All that trust he built up over the years was instantly destroyed. A terrible career move on his part. He'll probably be fired.
When my Dad had heart surgery the hospital shaved off his beard. He had it since he stopped being a welder, so maybe 30 years. I did not know he had a double chin. My youngest sister did not know he had a chin. He would be in his early 90s now. He has been gone 13 years ago today.
You have four kids at least one of them will be in therapy. Don't worry now over which one it will be. I doubt your facial hair will be an issue.
If my facial hair is the issue, it means I did a good job everywhere else. Or a really, really bad job on my beard.
I remember when I saw my dad with a beard for the first time. I was in college and had no forewarning. It was a shock and I reacted the same way your kids did. Once he was finished growing it out, it was beautiful. So, I believe you’d have fewer comments if you’d prepared your children for the change. On the other hand, you’d not have had a column for today.
Truthfully, shaving it this short was an accident, but once I took out the first chunk, there was no going back. I'd say that next time I'll give them a warning, but there will never be a next time. Some level of facial hair is coming back forever.
Have you tried beard oil? It helps tame it and keeps it soft and supple.
I have a small bottle of it, and that's where it stayed. Perhaps my solution all along was one very tight lid away.
I was waiting and waiting for the before and after photos here.....
Sharing those photos would be an act of violence. I'm trying not to induce vomitting.
Really? Where is the picture?
In your imagination, where all nightmares belong.
Haha!