My thought is if my kids can go to school/day care, or spend time with their grandparents or cousins without my supervision, why do they need my supervision for a hobby or activity? Unless I'm assisting them with the activity, or they have special needs, or perhaps the activity is short enough that the time to leave and return is not worth the effort, then why am I paying some one else to supervise/train them at a hobby/activity if I'm going to be stuck there still?
If they are quite young, or maybe it is their first week, sure, help them build confidence by hanging around, but make sure they know and understand you won't be there forever and in the future, that this is a special thing to help them settle and get comfortable and know that the activity is safe, suitable and something they want to continue.
May 12, 2022·edited May 12, 2022Liked by James Breakwell
I 100% agree with this!!! Every single word! My daughter has been in ballet for almost 7 yrs now. She's almost 9 yrs old. I stopped staying at her ballet lessons when she was about 6 yrs old. (She's always been more of an anxious and less confident child, especially when mommy isn't right there). Once I knew she was old enough and had the confidence in herself and she felt she was in a safe environment I was like ✌ peace out! I'll be back at pick up time! Lol sounds awful to some. You wouldn't believe the looks I still get to this day when I drop her off and don't stay but I'll be there at the recital at the end of the year. Why do I need to see every single lesson before that!? I'd rather be amazed at her progress and performance at the end. I'd rather be surprised as to what her performance will be and not the mom who is right there doing it with her every step of the way from the bottom of the stage 🙄. Sorry, not sorry! I'm not a "dance mom" or whatever, at least not in the toddler and tiaras kind of way, ugh! That hour each week is my time to get a cup of coffee, read a few chapters from my book, or just take a friggin NAP! lol but that's just me and my parenting style. @jamesbreakwell I totally agree and def don't know how you do it bc I only have the ONE child!! Kudos to you and your wife!! Yall keep on being awesome parents. I say the same to Tank as well! We gotta keep our sanity somehow!
Just think of how many thousands of hours of free time the you've gained by not staying. You could have written entire books. Or just finished some really good shows on Netflix.
I am grappling with this right now. My daughter is a freshman in high school and is in the special ed program with a severe and complex learning disability along with a laundry list of other challenges including anxiety. While she would prefer to stay home away from people and play minecraft with her online friends, I made her do unified track. I go to her practices and meets so if she struggles, I'm there to give her a hug and get her back on track. The district meet is Thursday, an hour away. Also on Thursday, the district superintendent is having a coffee talk at the library and it's the last one of the year. There's a lot of issues with the district and the special ed program. If it weren't the last one of the year, I would go to the meet, but I feel it's important to go to the meeting to try to make things better for her. *sigh. So I'm skipping the meet (I told her I have a meeting - if she knew all the fighting I've done for her and the all arguments I've had with people, she would fear getting in trouble because of my actions) and I'm going to the coffee talk armed with information and questions as to what is being done to make school a better place for these kids, cuz they're sure not doing it now.
Thanks for reminding me that it's okay to not go to everything. Sorry this wasn't funny or snarky. Adulting is hard.
As a parent of a special needs child, you know her better than anyone and if she's needs that extra support then you're doing great! But don't ever feel bad for taking time to also battle for her or even just to get some "me time" otherwise you'll be no good to anyone. Her coach and teammates are amazing surrogates for that extra boost of support and confidence if she needs it. Just remind her of that and don't be so hard on yourself! 😘 you sound like an amazing mom and your daughter is lucky to have you to be in her corner!! Keep up the great work, and yes adulting sux sometimes! (Who am I kidding, it sux a lot of times lol)
BRAVO!! I absolutely agree. My kids heaved a sigh of relief when I dropped them off for their various activities-I went to the major ones, and of course ones I Wanted To Go-ie band trips to Montreal...etc Working as a full time Mom meant that my mental health flourished in that ONE HOUR I sat in the car BY MYSELF. ;)
But enough with this light topic. Please tackle the huge issue facing parents now.
...the Dreaded Birthday Party Gift bags!!!
I mean seriously, WHEN and WHO decided that was a thing? In the "Olden Days" when I was a child I went to a birthday party bringing a gift--never once thinking I would reap such treasures as a gift bag with increasingly costly items inside. I only ever hoped for a piece of leftover cake!
I can honestly say I have never given a birthday party gift bag. I didn't even feel bad about it because I wasn't socially aware enough to realize that was a thing. But that is a very timely topic. I've got the triple birthday party for three of my kids coming up next weekend. This could be a good discussion for next Tuesday.
Omg, the gift bags have gotten ridiculous. My kiddos party is this weekend. We are fighting the expensive gift bag trend by giving out cheap little fidget toys. I’m spending enough on everything else, and kids don’t need expensive gift bags for attending a party.
AMEN!!!!!! I can't afford to not only throw my kid a party, get her gifts, and make and or buy the cake and then be expected to spend a car payment to also get gifts for the kids attending! In what universe does that make any sense!?! The birthday child should be the only one getting gifts!!!
No children for me but I’m with you you certainly don’t need to be at every single activity, I’m sure during the drives to the activity in the drives home you’re discussing what happened and encouraging them to continue to be independent and do the best they can and improve their skills so why do you have to be there for every single minute detail?
My mom rarely came to anything I did, the few times she did, she wanted me to leave early because she’d been at something with my older sister. I remembered feeling so hurt, so I never missed a game my daughter played and she was in every sport available. Now I go to all my grands games. I never want them to feel like I did.
Hmmm. I see your point, but I have a much different perspective. My parents very rarely came to anything we did. They even stopped going to parent teacher conferences! And believe me, for some of my siblings, they really needed to go! But they weren’t interested in us. They had five children! Who has five children if you don’t care what they are up to? So, as you might imagine, I overcompensated with my own children. I didn’t miss a thing. I made it to 99.9% of every single activity, and loved every minute of it. My kids didn’t necessarily like it that I was there - my son once asked me if I was ever going to let some other mother bring the oranges for halftime at soccer, and my daughter thought it was my “job” to be the room mother! I don’t regret a minute of it, and now my children are adults with families of their own, and they often remark in wonder how I actually did it all. I guess they have forgotten the many dinners that consisted of fast food, pizza, mac and cheese or French toast because I had spent all afternoon at their activities! Either way, to be there or not be there, I think the fact that you are getting them there at all (and remembering to pick them up) should be applauded! I can’t tell you how many times my parents forgot where one or several of us were, and looked up in bewilderment when we would drag ourselves in after dark, often soaked to the skin because of course it had started to rain! There is no right or wrong, I have learned - you do what you have to do to survive in this crazy world!
Thanks for listening. I think you are terrific, and love your weekly emails. I laugh out loud every week. As I like to say…never a dull moment. Enjoy every fantastic minute!
Fully agree....in fact, my 7 year old stands with hands on hips waiting for me to go. On the days I choose to stay I get the "ugh, if you must" look. Lord help me when she's a teenager. So, if you both enjoy you being there... wonderful....if not, why torture yourself?? Of course we never miss the big events, but the regular training sessions...no need unless said child/children insist on you being there.
And this is why my 9yo kiddo is in dance. I drop her off at classes and come back when it’s over. Only need to be there to watch competitions and end of year showcase. Best ever. Except for the cost! Next year she wants to do art, so same thing applies.
It's quite bold of us as parents to assume our kids want us there at all. My goal is to thicken my kids' skin by being as embarrassing as humanly possible at all times, so it's probably a relief when I gift them with a chance for independence.
This. I didn't even want my parents so most events. They never put pressure on me, but I put more pressure on myself when they were around. I feel much less bad about having a terrible race if there were no witnesses around.
I have four kids who were all active in sports. It was impossible to be at every game. My husband and I divided the duty and still missed many. Now that they are grown, I miss all the activity and wish I’d have gone to more of the games rather then less. The kids however did not miss us being there. I think it fostered a little independence to get dropped, off or ride with a friend.
My parents were in the same boat. Going to everything was impossible. Going to an occasional game here or there was a much better solution. And less pressure on me. I prefer to fail with a smaller audience.
Oh, c'mon, James! Don't you want to get bleacher butt? Freeze/roast/get soaked? Get hit by the flying baseball/softball in the cheek? Complain about the coaching staff? Go through a zillion umbrellas/blankets over the years? Be embarrassed by the goofy things they do on the field/court/gym? See how they react to losing/winning, whether personal or team? Learn how to get along with the other sports' parents (and there are many types)? Bust with pride when they do something so cool it takes your breath away? Decide whose side of the family they get their athletic ability from?
You can do all these things and more just by sticking around to watch the activity. And, besides, it gets you out of doing those "other things" you have to do, some assuredly not as great as being there when your kid looks over the crowd to make sure you are there. (We had major window sill rot from not being home to see that progress as it did.)
I would bet we were there for about 95% of our kids' games/recitals/etc over the solid 15 years that began and ended our two (only) kids' playing years. I even was the official softball/baseball scorekeeper for them up through h.s. You could be very popular just by ruling that their kid had a hit rather than reaching on an error. You will make friends with other parents without any effort because they are already there and you don't have to do anything other than hoot and holler when "their" kid does something wonderful.
I will admit our 2 kids were "stars" and never sat the bench, both playing on into college and beyond so maybe that colors my answer. It didn't make a difference, tho, to be there to see that grin or those tears, or deciding whether the kid *really* had a broken arm or should just shake it off. We would never have been as close to our kids if we hadn't had a few summers/years of just them and us in the car going to games/tourneys- captive audience? You bet.
There is probably "too much" of a good thing but I sure wouldn't have had it any other way. We miss everything about being there with and for them. How you will be able to juggle four kids' stuff is beyond me, tho, so I'll give you an out for impossible scheduling. And besides, you can write in the van when the game is delayed or come up with fantastic newsletter material! Win/win!
**Oops, maybe you should limit the characters commenters can write (like Twitter) as obviously I exceeded a needed limit! Sorry.
Walls of text are always welcome here. That's my preferred writing style. Sounds like you and your kids had a great time. As for me, as you correctly pointed out above, hiding in my van writing is when I'm at my best.
I have to disagree with this one. Growing up one of my best memories is that no matter how hard my dad worked he would always make sure him and my mom were at every basketball game, every choir concert I did. To this day that sticks with me and I know how proud of me they were. Trust me you may not think it's a big deal, but it is a very very big deal. Suck it up and watch every game, every concert. Even if it is boring, even if it is long, even if it is hot/cold/long drive whatever the complaint is, there is nothing in the world more important than being there for your child because they will remember it and they will be grown before you know it and then you can do whatever you want but while they are little, be at that game, be at that concert. Not every practice, no many times they have closed practices anyway, not every cub scout meet stuff like that no, but games, concerts, stuff that they have been practicing for like that, 100% absolutey be there no matter what!!!
Single mom of three kids, all of whom are adults now. Since it was boy , girl, boy when they played soccer they were all on separate teams that all played on Saturday mornings. I never saw any games in full. Drop off the first game player, watch 10 minutes, leave to take child 2 across town, watch 10 minutes, leave to take child 3 to game, watch 10 minutes, leave to pick up child 1, maybe catch the end of the game, pick up child 2, you get the point. Totally saved me from ever really watching soccer. (I was there to see child 3 score a goal on his own net. Good times.) I saw the concerts and big events and they all knew I was doing my best. But in all honesty, if I had extra time I didn't race out to the field, I sat in the car and relaxed. Little kid soccer is painful. But when my niece and nephew played hockey I made it to almost every game. Watching hockey is fun. Stuff happens that you can get excited about. Waffle should play hockey. Imagine the carnage!
My kids are grown, but I remember watching their activities when they were younger were some of the best power naps I ever got. 20-30 minutes of restorative sleep time.
I just hope your representative sample is 100% Waffle, because that kid cracks me up and I don't want to miss a single Waffling!
It probably should be, if only for the safety of those around her
My thought is if my kids can go to school/day care, or spend time with their grandparents or cousins without my supervision, why do they need my supervision for a hobby or activity? Unless I'm assisting them with the activity, or they have special needs, or perhaps the activity is short enough that the time to leave and return is not worth the effort, then why am I paying some one else to supervise/train them at a hobby/activity if I'm going to be stuck there still?
If they are quite young, or maybe it is their first week, sure, help them build confidence by hanging around, but make sure they know and understand you won't be there forever and in the future, that this is a special thing to help them settle and get comfortable and know that the activity is safe, suitable and something they want to continue.
I approve of this message.
I 100% agree with this!!! Every single word! My daughter has been in ballet for almost 7 yrs now. She's almost 9 yrs old. I stopped staying at her ballet lessons when she was about 6 yrs old. (She's always been more of an anxious and less confident child, especially when mommy isn't right there). Once I knew she was old enough and had the confidence in herself and she felt she was in a safe environment I was like ✌ peace out! I'll be back at pick up time! Lol sounds awful to some. You wouldn't believe the looks I still get to this day when I drop her off and don't stay but I'll be there at the recital at the end of the year. Why do I need to see every single lesson before that!? I'd rather be amazed at her progress and performance at the end. I'd rather be surprised as to what her performance will be and not the mom who is right there doing it with her every step of the way from the bottom of the stage 🙄. Sorry, not sorry! I'm not a "dance mom" or whatever, at least not in the toddler and tiaras kind of way, ugh! That hour each week is my time to get a cup of coffee, read a few chapters from my book, or just take a friggin NAP! lol but that's just me and my parenting style. @jamesbreakwell I totally agree and def don't know how you do it bc I only have the ONE child!! Kudos to you and your wife!! Yall keep on being awesome parents. I say the same to Tank as well! We gotta keep our sanity somehow!
Just think of how many thousands of hours of free time the you've gained by not staying. You could have written entire books. Or just finished some really good shows on Netflix.
Riiiggghhhhttttt!!!!!?????!!!!
I am grappling with this right now. My daughter is a freshman in high school and is in the special ed program with a severe and complex learning disability along with a laundry list of other challenges including anxiety. While she would prefer to stay home away from people and play minecraft with her online friends, I made her do unified track. I go to her practices and meets so if she struggles, I'm there to give her a hug and get her back on track. The district meet is Thursday, an hour away. Also on Thursday, the district superintendent is having a coffee talk at the library and it's the last one of the year. There's a lot of issues with the district and the special ed program. If it weren't the last one of the year, I would go to the meet, but I feel it's important to go to the meeting to try to make things better for her. *sigh. So I'm skipping the meet (I told her I have a meeting - if she knew all the fighting I've done for her and the all arguments I've had with people, she would fear getting in trouble because of my actions) and I'm going to the coffee talk armed with information and questions as to what is being done to make school a better place for these kids, cuz they're sure not doing it now.
Thanks for reminding me that it's okay to not go to everything. Sorry this wasn't funny or snarky. Adulting is hard.
As a parent of a special needs child, you know her better than anyone and if she's needs that extra support then you're doing great! But don't ever feel bad for taking time to also battle for her or even just to get some "me time" otherwise you'll be no good to anyone. Her coach and teammates are amazing surrogates for that extra boost of support and confidence if she needs it. Just remind her of that and don't be so hard on yourself! 😘 you sound like an amazing mom and your daughter is lucky to have you to be in her corner!! Keep up the great work, and yes adulting sux sometimes! (Who am I kidding, it sux a lot of times lol)
BRAVO!! I absolutely agree. My kids heaved a sigh of relief when I dropped them off for their various activities-I went to the major ones, and of course ones I Wanted To Go-ie band trips to Montreal...etc Working as a full time Mom meant that my mental health flourished in that ONE HOUR I sat in the car BY MYSELF. ;)
But enough with this light topic. Please tackle the huge issue facing parents now.
...the Dreaded Birthday Party Gift bags!!!
I mean seriously, WHEN and WHO decided that was a thing? In the "Olden Days" when I was a child I went to a birthday party bringing a gift--never once thinking I would reap such treasures as a gift bag with increasingly costly items inside. I only ever hoped for a piece of leftover cake!
Now here's a fight for the internet!
I can honestly say I have never given a birthday party gift bag. I didn't even feel bad about it because I wasn't socially aware enough to realize that was a thing. But that is a very timely topic. I've got the triple birthday party for three of my kids coming up next weekend. This could be a good discussion for next Tuesday.
And let's not forget the fact that no one RSVPs properly anymore -- so its a guessing game as to how many are coming...... *eyeroll
Omg, the gift bags have gotten ridiculous. My kiddos party is this weekend. We are fighting the expensive gift bag trend by giving out cheap little fidget toys. I’m spending enough on everything else, and kids don’t need expensive gift bags for attending a party.
Be strong!
"that ONE HOUR I sat in the car BY MYSELF."
This!
AMEN!!!!!! I can't afford to not only throw my kid a party, get her gifts, and make and or buy the cake and then be expected to spend a car payment to also get gifts for the kids attending! In what universe does that make any sense!?! The birthday child should be the only one getting gifts!!!
No children for me but I’m with you you certainly don’t need to be at every single activity, I’m sure during the drives to the activity in the drives home you’re discussing what happened and encouraging them to continue to be independent and do the best they can and improve their skills so why do you have to be there for every single minute detail?
My mom rarely came to anything I did, the few times she did, she wanted me to leave early because she’d been at something with my older sister. I remembered feeling so hurt, so I never missed a game my daughter played and she was in every sport available. Now I go to all my grands games. I never want them to feel like I did.
Hmmm. I see your point, but I have a much different perspective. My parents very rarely came to anything we did. They even stopped going to parent teacher conferences! And believe me, for some of my siblings, they really needed to go! But they weren’t interested in us. They had five children! Who has five children if you don’t care what they are up to? So, as you might imagine, I overcompensated with my own children. I didn’t miss a thing. I made it to 99.9% of every single activity, and loved every minute of it. My kids didn’t necessarily like it that I was there - my son once asked me if I was ever going to let some other mother bring the oranges for halftime at soccer, and my daughter thought it was my “job” to be the room mother! I don’t regret a minute of it, and now my children are adults with families of their own, and they often remark in wonder how I actually did it all. I guess they have forgotten the many dinners that consisted of fast food, pizza, mac and cheese or French toast because I had spent all afternoon at their activities! Either way, to be there or not be there, I think the fact that you are getting them there at all (and remembering to pick them up) should be applauded! I can’t tell you how many times my parents forgot where one or several of us were, and looked up in bewilderment when we would drag ourselves in after dark, often soaked to the skin because of course it had started to rain! There is no right or wrong, I have learned - you do what you have to do to survive in this crazy world!
Thanks for listening. I think you are terrific, and love your weekly emails. I laugh out loud every week. As I like to say…never a dull moment. Enjoy every fantastic minute!
Fully agree....in fact, my 7 year old stands with hands on hips waiting for me to go. On the days I choose to stay I get the "ugh, if you must" look. Lord help me when she's a teenager. So, if you both enjoy you being there... wonderful....if not, why torture yourself?? Of course we never miss the big events, but the regular training sessions...no need unless said child/children insist on you being there.
And this is why my 9yo kiddo is in dance. I drop her off at classes and come back when it’s over. Only need to be there to watch competitions and end of year showcase. Best ever. Except for the cost! Next year she wants to do art, so same thing applies.
Completely agree with you! kids don’t need helicopters. They need to learn how to be in social situations without parents always watching.
It's quite bold of us as parents to assume our kids want us there at all. My goal is to thicken my kids' skin by being as embarrassing as humanly possible at all times, so it's probably a relief when I gift them with a chance for independence.
This. I didn't even want my parents so most events. They never put pressure on me, but I put more pressure on myself when they were around. I feel much less bad about having a terrible race if there were no witnesses around.
I have four kids who were all active in sports. It was impossible to be at every game. My husband and I divided the duty and still missed many. Now that they are grown, I miss all the activity and wish I’d have gone to more of the games rather then less. The kids however did not miss us being there. I think it fostered a little independence to get dropped, off or ride with a friend.
My parents were in the same boat. Going to everything was impossible. Going to an occasional game here or there was a much better solution. And less pressure on me. I prefer to fail with a smaller audience.
Oh, c'mon, James! Don't you want to get bleacher butt? Freeze/roast/get soaked? Get hit by the flying baseball/softball in the cheek? Complain about the coaching staff? Go through a zillion umbrellas/blankets over the years? Be embarrassed by the goofy things they do on the field/court/gym? See how they react to losing/winning, whether personal or team? Learn how to get along with the other sports' parents (and there are many types)? Bust with pride when they do something so cool it takes your breath away? Decide whose side of the family they get their athletic ability from?
You can do all these things and more just by sticking around to watch the activity. And, besides, it gets you out of doing those "other things" you have to do, some assuredly not as great as being there when your kid looks over the crowd to make sure you are there. (We had major window sill rot from not being home to see that progress as it did.)
I would bet we were there for about 95% of our kids' games/recitals/etc over the solid 15 years that began and ended our two (only) kids' playing years. I even was the official softball/baseball scorekeeper for them up through h.s. You could be very popular just by ruling that their kid had a hit rather than reaching on an error. You will make friends with other parents without any effort because they are already there and you don't have to do anything other than hoot and holler when "their" kid does something wonderful.
I will admit our 2 kids were "stars" and never sat the bench, both playing on into college and beyond so maybe that colors my answer. It didn't make a difference, tho, to be there to see that grin or those tears, or deciding whether the kid *really* had a broken arm or should just shake it off. We would never have been as close to our kids if we hadn't had a few summers/years of just them and us in the car going to games/tourneys- captive audience? You bet.
There is probably "too much" of a good thing but I sure wouldn't have had it any other way. We miss everything about being there with and for them. How you will be able to juggle four kids' stuff is beyond me, tho, so I'll give you an out for impossible scheduling. And besides, you can write in the van when the game is delayed or come up with fantastic newsletter material! Win/win!
**Oops, maybe you should limit the characters commenters can write (like Twitter) as obviously I exceeded a needed limit! Sorry.
Walls of text are always welcome here. That's my preferred writing style. Sounds like you and your kids had a great time. As for me, as you correctly pointed out above, hiding in my van writing is when I'm at my best.
I have to disagree with this one. Growing up one of my best memories is that no matter how hard my dad worked he would always make sure him and my mom were at every basketball game, every choir concert I did. To this day that sticks with me and I know how proud of me they were. Trust me you may not think it's a big deal, but it is a very very big deal. Suck it up and watch every game, every concert. Even if it is boring, even if it is long, even if it is hot/cold/long drive whatever the complaint is, there is nothing in the world more important than being there for your child because they will remember it and they will be grown before you know it and then you can do whatever you want but while they are little, be at that game, be at that concert. Not every practice, no many times they have closed practices anyway, not every cub scout meet stuff like that no, but games, concerts, stuff that they have been practicing for like that, 100% absolutey be there no matter what!!!
Games and shows are one thing...but did you watch every basketball practice, and every choir practice? I think that’s more the point...
Single mom of three kids, all of whom are adults now. Since it was boy , girl, boy when they played soccer they were all on separate teams that all played on Saturday mornings. I never saw any games in full. Drop off the first game player, watch 10 minutes, leave to take child 2 across town, watch 10 minutes, leave to take child 3 to game, watch 10 minutes, leave to pick up child 1, maybe catch the end of the game, pick up child 2, you get the point. Totally saved me from ever really watching soccer. (I was there to see child 3 score a goal on his own net. Good times.) I saw the concerts and big events and they all knew I was doing my best. But in all honesty, if I had extra time I didn't race out to the field, I sat in the car and relaxed. Little kid soccer is painful. But when my niece and nephew played hockey I made it to almost every game. Watching hockey is fun. Stuff happens that you can get excited about. Waffle should play hockey. Imagine the carnage!
Waffle playing hockey sounds like chaos. Definitely worth the time. Be prepared to stream the games!
My kids are grown, but I remember watching their activities when they were younger were some of the best power naps I ever got. 20-30 minutes of restorative sleep time.