Plastic Death Machine

There comes a tipping point in life where getting older means losing privileges instead of gaining them. First you’re old enough to drink, and then you’re too old to drink. By the time you’re in your thirties, you can get a hangover just from being in the same room as alcohol. The same process happens for driving and wearing underwear. Eventually, even the healthiest of us will be in adult diapers bumming rides off relatives. I expected this process to play out in my twilight years, but for my kids, I sped things up. They didn’t have to be in their nineties to get banned from the road. I took away their keys today.

It's not that I don't trust my kids to drive safely. Okay, I don’t really trust them to do anything without hurting themselves or others. The word “safe” is meaningless here. But I do expect them to keep the collateral damage to a minimum. They usually did that while driving their Barbie Power Wheels Jeep, although getting to that point was a long process. Eventually, the kids ran over so much stuff that everything living either died or learned to get out of the way. Our dog still has nightmares. Once they learned to drive, the only thing the girls did wrong was grow up. Currently, three of the four won’t fit in the Jeep at all, and the smallest shouldn’t ever be trusted behind a steering wheel when the others are nearby on foot. It’s time for the Jeep to go, and my kids are none too pleased. The dog is sleeping easier, though.

They call it Barbie’s Beach Rover. I call it Death in Purple and Pink.

Before I put it out on the curb, I thought I’d take a closer look at the Jeep to review all the features that made it equal parts dangerous and wonderful. This bad boy could be yours if you happen to go dumpster diving in the right neighborhood.

Roll Bars

These look like a safety feature, but they’re actually an attractive nuisance. They make the Jeep a hundred times more likely to roll over because they encourage kids to stand on the back and grab them like they’re handlebars. This isn’t supposed to be a four-passenger vehicle, but don’t tell my kids that as the Jeep pops yet another precarious wheelie. If you’re not flipping your vehicle end over end, are you even driving? Also, take note of the fake lights. Fisher-Price didn’t trust my kids with real bulbs, and rightly so. They would have blinded approaching vehicles and wildlife.

Winch

Thankfully, this is another feature that’s just for show. The Power Wheels design team decided my kids didn’t need a metal rope and hoist system. The girls had no idea what it was supposed to be until they saw that scene in Jurassic Park where the nerdy computer programmer crashes his Jeep in the dinosaur pen and tries to pull his vehicle out. He was, of course, eaten by dilophosaurus, or, as they’re mostly known to kids, spitters. For the record, there’s no evidence that the real dilophosaurus had a neck frill or spit venom. That’s no consolation to my kids, who, without a working winch, are vulnerable to all forms of dinosaur attack. At least the fake plastic winch gives the front of the Jeep some extra plastic armor. If a real, non-venom spitting dilophosaurus attacks, they could ram it really hard in the shin and drive away.

All Terrain Wheels