Nov 22 • 2M

Webcomic: Controlled Substance

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James Breakwell
Family comedy one disaster at a time.
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Caffeine doesn't have much of an effect on me. It's probably because I'm too dead inside to get riled up over much of anything, chemical or otherwise. Caffeine only has an effect on me at super physiological doses. My first job at the age of 16 was working in fast food. It was a local place that didn't just give me a dollar food credit for every 16 hours I worked. They limited the food, but they let me have unlimited soft drinks. I would come home after drinking two of their giant 64 ounce containers of some carbonated soda or another, and let me tell you, I did not fall asleep that night.

But short of that, I can sleep through pretty much anything. Caffeine doesn't really phase me. I don't do coffee or anything else. I mean, why would I wanna be more awake during the day? That seems like a terrible idea. My wife is very different, though. She also doesn't drink coffee. But more importantly, she doesn't have any soda or any other kind of beverage that has caffeine in it. She can't stand it if she has the slightest amount. She feels jittery. She's like a hummingbird. She can't control herself. I don't mean she's crazy or anything like that. I mean, she says she has trouble forming sentences. I have no way to test this empirically. This is just what she tells me. Its effects are on her, but I have no reason to doubt her reports. She is a caffeine hyper responder. She could drink one cup of coffee and stay awake for the year.

Of course, she'll never have that cup of coffee, but every once in a while she'll have a sweetened beverage of some kind that somebody failed to disclose, has caffeine inside it, and that's when her whole world falls apart. I have to admit, it's quite funny for everybody who's not her, which is really how most comedy works. She is forever on the lookout for that hidden caffeine dose. I have no doubt that a full can of Red Bull would make her heart explode, but we're all just built a little bit different with different internal chemistries. She happens to be sensitive to caffeine. I happen to be sensitive to nothing. They say opposites attract and opposites certainly fall asleep at different times.

My wife recently received one such accidental dose of caffeine at work, and that was the inspiration for today's web comic. Lola didn't sign off on it beforehand because she's too busy buzzing around the house. She now can levitate.